PatrickMead

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Handy Tips!

Ever read Dante's "Inferno"? It is a chronicle of a journey through the seven circles of hell, each more horrible than the last. Many do not know about the lost chapter of "Inferno" describing an central core circle. In it are those who invented or deploy automated phone messaging systems. Phone menu hell is the worst hell of all but I have found sweet release. Two strategies work for me every single time. Because I love each and every one of you and care only about you (yada yada yada) I will share them now.

1. Get a rotary phone. They are less than $2 at junk or yard sales. Most phone menus won't work with them so you get a person instead of that annoying "if you know your party's extension, Social Security number, and favorite food, enter that now..." message. Sadly, some companies have gotten wise to this and now make rotary phone users -- all eight of them -- swing that circle round and round like Betsy at the barn dance.

2. Go to www.gethuman.com/us. You will find an extensive list of almost every major bank, credit card, airline, etc. and how to get a human rather than the voice mail menu. It is priceless. No, really, it's free! I have it bookmarked on every computer and cell phone I have. They update it daily. If you find a glitch or error (I haven't) get in touch with them and they check it out, test the solution, and post it.

What if you want to avoid being frisked by Bubba, Cletus, and Hazel (aka, The Mauler) at the airport? What if you'd rather keep your cell phone, laptop, and makeup handy? Road trip! But be careful. Some jurisdictions let local cops set up shop on the interstate and nab people for three miles over the speed limit or, in the case of one Ohio town, one mile over. Many towns and counties use traffic tickets to fund more than 50% of their budget. It's best to know when you are entering those benighted zones so go to www.speedtrap.org and get a list before you drive.

Want to travel but not drive or fly? Take the bus! No, not Greyhound. Nobody wants to ride with the mobile insane asylum, mental circus, and nutatarium ("Now with smellier bathrooms!"). Take a modern, clean, comfortable bus with reclining seats, snacks served by smiling attendants, drop down TV/movie screens at most seats, and clean restrooms. Megabus is one of the companies offering these buses now (megabus.com). The five hour drive from Detroit to Chicago is only $15... max! There are internet specials as low as $1. No kidding. That's on every single trip, too. Megabus goes from Chicago all over the midwest to places like Cleveland, St. Louis, Indianapolis, etc. We are going to use them for trips over to Chicago to see plays, Christmas lights, and sight seeing. My wife plans to use them to go to the major interior designer expo there. She has never gone before because she didn't want to wrestle her car through traffic, find parking, etc. Now, she doesn't have to. Other companies serve other areas of the country. I know of Limoliner, TransFloridian, and Lux Bus America. All clean, no crazies.

Hey, I'm there for you. Just call, weave your way through the phone system, enter eight passcodes and the launch sequence for the Katushka rocket and I'll get right back to you. Just leave a message.

9 Comments:

  • At 8/23/2006 10:30:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Um, Patrick, the Rochester church voice mail inferno is among the most frustrating I've encountered. And you guys aren't listed on gethuman.com...yet.

    BTW...great thoughts at the Unity Event.

     
  • At 8/23/2006 11:16:00 AM , Blogger PatrickMead said...

    Mark... and your point is....?? Did you think I wanted to make it easy to get to ME?

     
  • At 8/23/2006 12:57:00 PM , Blogger salguod said...

    Patrick,

    I live a few miles from what was one of the most notorious speed traps in the US - New Rome Ohio. Happily, after several write ups in Car and Driver and elsewhere, it is no longer a threat to drivers. A couple years ago, the state came in and dissolved the town due to persistent corruption.

    This means that the ever present officer with radar at the New Rome Motel (Just above the A at the link) is gone, the 35 MPH speed limit on US 40 for the one mile within New Rome is back to 45 MPH like the rest of it and the traffic light for the residential cross street (Just left of the A at the link) is gone.

    I passed through there often and never got stopped. I knew when to be on my watch and I never exceeded 35 and hit the brakes at the first sign of yellow

     
  • At 8/23/2006 01:19:00 PM , Blogger PatrickMead said...

    I know New Rome well, Douglas! I read all those newspaper articles and the Car and Driver columns. What a mess! There is one like it outside of Cleveland and they even put their cars up on the Ohio Turnpike because it goes through their township... and the courts said they could!

     
  • At 8/23/2006 01:30:00 PM , Blogger Keith said...

    Funny and frustrating. I ordered a new Dell this week and was on line for over 30 minutes and never spoke to a human. Finally I made a choice to "chat online" with a sales associate which proved successful in getting my order processed. Communication is becoming so impersonal. Talking with keyboards all the time. What's the world coming to? I'll blog to you tomorrow. Later.

     
  • At 8/23/2006 02:20:00 PM , Blogger Kara Graves said...

    that is hilarious daddy

     
  • At 8/23/2006 04:00:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    You failed to mention the ultimate in voice mail nightmares, the "voice response system" where you don't have to push buttons but yell at the top of your lungs. And be glad if you don't have a 4 year old in the background because inevitably he will make you say something that will screw the whole system up and make you start all over again.

     
  • At 8/24/2006 10:10:00 AM , Blogger salguod said...

    Patrick,

    I've heard of that Cleveland suburb you're talking about. The stretch of highway just barely cut through their city, but they patroled anyway. I think the state shut them down too by passing a law that said you couldn't actually patrole a stretch of interstate unless there was an actual exit in the city limits.

    BTW - You can call me Doug. I used salguod 'cause I thought goud souded too silly. Only Mom calls me Douglas, and that's only when she's mad. :-)

     
  • At 8/24/2006 10:37:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Patrick,
    That gethuman.com site is amazing! Thank you for posting this.

    Melissa Wiley

     

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home