Handy Tips!

Ever read Dante's "Inferno"? It is a chronicle of a journey through the seven circles of hell, each more horrible than the last. Many do not know about the lost chapter of "Inferno" describing an central core circle. In it are those who invented or deploy automated phone messaging systems. Phone menu hell is the worst hell of all but I have found sweet release. Two strategies work for me every single time. Because I love each and every one of you and care only about you (yada yada yada) I will share them now.

1. Get a rotary phone. They are less than $2 at junk or yard sales. Most phone menus won't work with them so you get a person instead of that annoying "if you know your party's extension, Social Security number, and favorite food, enter that now..." message. Sadly, some companies have gotten wise to this and now make rotary phone users -- all eight of them -- swing that circle round and round like Betsy at the barn dance.

2. Go to www.gethuman.com/us. You will find an extensive list of almost every major bank, credit card, airline, etc. and how to get a human rather than the voice mail menu. It is priceless. No, really, it's free! I have it bookmarked on every computer and cell phone I have. They update it daily. If you find a glitch or error (I haven't) get in touch with them and they check it out, test the solution, and post it.

What if you want to avoid being frisked by Bubba, Cletus, and Hazel (aka, The Mauler) at the airport? What if you'd rather keep your cell phone, laptop, and makeup handy? Road trip! But be careful. Some jurisdictions let local cops set up shop on the interstate and nab people for three miles over the speed limit or, in the case of one Ohio town, one mile over. Many towns and counties use traffic tickets to fund more than 50% of their budget. It's best to know when you are entering those benighted zones so go to www.speedtrap.org and get a list before you drive.

Want to travel but not drive or fly? Take the bus! No, not Greyhound. Nobody wants to ride with the mobile insane asylum, mental circus, and nutatarium ("Now with smellier bathrooms!"). Take a modern, clean, comfortable bus with reclining seats, snacks served by smiling attendants, drop down TV/movie screens at most seats, and clean restrooms. Megabus is one of the companies offering these buses now (megabus.com). The five hour drive from Detroit to Chicago is only $15... max! There are internet specials as low as $1. No kidding. That's on every single trip, too. Megabus goes from Chicago all over the midwest to places like Cleveland, St. Louis, Indianapolis, etc. We are going to use them for trips over to Chicago to see plays, Christmas lights, and sight seeing. My wife plans to use them to go to the major interior designer expo there. She has never gone before because she didn't want to wrestle her car through traffic, find parking, etc. Now, she doesn't have to. Other companies serve other areas of the country. I know of Limoliner, TransFloridian, and Lux Bus America. All clean, no crazies.

Hey, I'm there for you. Just call, weave your way through the phone system, enter eight passcodes and the launch sequence for the Katushka rocket and I'll get right back to you. Just leave a message.